The Three Little Pigs

By Adeel Raza

“Be safe boys! And remember to call me at least once a month” a teary eyed Mrs. Pig said, as she waved

goodbye to her three not-so-little children.

“We will Ma!” they replied in unison.

“It’s not like we’re going to Africa anyway!” joked Bruno, the youngest of the three.

“Yeah Ma, we’ll be in touch. Don’t you worry. Besides, what’s the worst that could happen huh? Some

big bad wolf might come along and decide he’d like some bacon for breakfast?” Trey added. Mrs. Pig

threatened to burst into a fresh stream of tears at that before Drew intervened.

“Oh God Ma! Don’t listen to those two numbskulls. You know I’ll take care of us all.” The other two

seemed on the verge of a retort but managed a weak “Ow!” as Drew nudged them both hard in the ribs.

Glaring at them, he jerked his head toward Mrs. Pig. With that, the three of them hugged her goodbye

and set off.

“Freedom, freeeedom, FREEEEEEDOM! Yea –“

“Oh would you can it?” Trey cut into Bruno’s tone-deaf rendition of a famous soul song. “We’re not

leaving home to enjoy ourselves.” The afternoon sun burned down on the three pigs as they trundled

along the countryside road, their possessions bobbing up and down on their shoulders, neatly packed

into bundles.

“Jeez Trey, I’m only trying to lighten the mood here. Don’t get your knickers in a twist. What’s on the

agenda D?”

“Ah, I thought you’d never ask. Behold boys. Our guide to independent life.” said Drew, producing a

leather-bound book the size of a brick. “For generations past and for those to come, this book has been

a source of guidance to all pigs entering the real world. Only those who have come of age may gaze

upon the sacred information held within!”

“Alright, alright. Enough with the melodramatic mumbo-jumbo. What does it say we have to do?”

Trey interjected; multiple depressions in the mud already showing where he had started kicking dirt in

impatience.

“Aren’t we just the cool cucumber?” Bruno piped back, ducking to avoid Trey’s onrushing fist.

“Cut it out you two. This is no time for childish antics. Now, gather round. This is going to be legen-wait

for it….DARY!” Drew’s pudgy digits slid over the rich blue cover of the text as the other two held their

breath in excited anticipation.

“BLANK!? How can it be blank? This doesn’t make any sense!” Drew cried. The three of them had taken

turns leafing through the entire book end to end, but the fact of the matter was, the book was as blank

as your average Joe in Chemistry class.

“What a sick sense of humor this-“

“Wait! I found something.” Bruno interrupted Trey’s angry mumbling. “It says: Find your own

destiny….Oh, and always remember to look behind you. Peace out”

“Behind us?” the three of them exclaimed, perplexed by the ambiguity of the message.

“Oh hello boys.” A fourth, much heavier, throatier voice responded. The dark undertone in the way he

said it was enough to leave the pigs in momentary arrest. None of them had the nerve to make eye-

contact with what was probably the only real thing their mother had warned them about.

“Now, now. There’s no need to get so…uptight. We’re all friends here. Such wonderful friends. Friends

with – dare I say – benefits!” said the wolf, falling into a fit of villainous laughter, the kind only ever seen

in movies.

“E-e-e-excuse me Mister Wolf Sir. That was a very good evil laugh you laughed there Sir. But could you

please –“

“SILENCE!” the wolf boomed over Drew’s trembling voice. “You liked my evil laugh did you? Wait till you

see my evil plan unfold. The one where I….take you all home for dinner!”

Silence

“Psych!” The wolf cried, falling into another fit of laughter, though not nearly as sinister as the first

one. The wigs watched, puzzled, as the wolf doubled over. “You boys still don’t get it do you?” the wolf

continued, wiping tears from his eyes. “Oh boy, you should have seen the looks on your faces; classic.

Okay, let me explain myself. How very rude of me not to in the first place. See, I’m not your average

wolf. I got a destiny-nonsensical book just as you did. All mine said was that I had to blow down pig

houses around the country and yell: ‘I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down’, when those

poor pigs wouldn’t let me in. All so I could eat them. How messed up is that!? I’m a vegetarian for God’s

sake! And how exactly one blows a house down with merely their breath is frankly just beyond me.”

Silence

“It’s like I’m talking to myself here boys. What, you still don’t get it? Damn, you pigs are stupid. No

wonder my entire pig-eating kind is so full of brutes. Complete lack of dignity and class. Civilized wolves

prefer their food green, like moi. Anyway, nice meeting all of you. Cheerio!”

Silence

“Freedom, freeeedom, FREEEEEEDOM!”