By Shafae Saleem
Q. Write the opening to a short story
where a detailed use of setting helps the reader to appreciate the moods and
thoughts of the character.
In
a dark, twisting alley of Chicago, rats skittered from corner to corner as they
followed the scent of rotten flesh. The smell permeated the air as Sam pushed
through the garbage that blocked his path. His shock of black hair contrasted
with his pale white skin and his black trench coat blended him into the
surrounding darkness of the moonless night. To his hawk-like green eyes it was
as bright as day, picking out each detail as he walked silently, alert and
wary. Every small sound made him pause and stand as still as an owl and listen
closely.
After
reaching a dead end, Sam ran his hands over the wall; fingers searching for the
switch he knew were there. Towards the upper left corner of the wall he spied a
slight marking on a brick. He pressed on the brick and a grinding sound filled
the alley as the dead end moved back to reveal an old, battered door to the
left. Sam glanced back the way he came, strengthened his resolve and quietly
slithered through the old door.
He
stood motionless for a few moments as his eyes adjusted to the flaming torches that
lit the gloomy passageway. Sighting the door across the passage he felt a
rising sense of elation that threatened to overwhelm him. In his excitement he
strode quickly towards the door, splashing through puddles of water he did not
remove his gaze from his goal when suddenly he felt a chill go down his spine.
His instincts screamed at him that there was something horribly wrong. He
paused mid-stride and listened closely. All he could hear was the sound of
dripping water and nothing else. Not even the sound of rats scuttling like they
should have been, it was deathly quiet.
Sam
pulled his trench coat back on the left side to provide easy access to his
katana, which hung from its simple black scabbard. It was a beautiful piece of work;
the jet-black steel folded over itself several times and made the old-fashioned
way in a forge over the course of months by a master sword smith. The hilt
being a pattern of crimson diamonds surrounded by ebony. Its name ‘Kokuyoseki’
meaning ‘Obsidian’ in Japanese. Sam crept up to the door avoiding puddles and
keeping his hand on Kokuyoseki.
As
he opened the door a crack to peer into the room he was hit by the metallic
smell of blood. He gagged when he noticed the two men in the room. They were
nailed to the wall facing the door and their bodies were split open from the
base of the neck to their navels. The insides of their bodies were empty of
organs and only the rib cage was left in their chests. Pools of blood were
congealing on the ground surrounding the bodies and flies flocked to the
rotting remains of his last lead to his brother. On the side there stood a
table with a bucket on it which contained the missing organs.
This
wasn’t what Sam was expecting. He had been tipped that these people could have
told him where his brother was. He wondered aloud,
“Where
have you gone, Caine?”
As
he turned around he was tackled and sent flying backwards into the room. His
body slammed into the table and the bucket of organs fell onto him. A large man
swung a crowbar at him and Sam just managed to block it with the bucket, the
clang echoing in the room. Sam fluidly got up and all in one motion drew
Kokuyoseki in time to parry the flurried strikes sent at him with lethal
intent. He parried each one with practiced ease and on the last one allowed the
crowbar to slide across his blade. Using a flick of his wrist he sent the
crowbar flying from the grasp of the man. Beaten, the man warily backed away
with his palms facing outward. Sam rubbed his left hand on his neck as he
pointed Kokuyoseki towards the man and snarled,
“Where
is my brother? Where is Caine?”
1 comments:
Ok, first of all, avoid using '-ing' verbs but you've done it so well that this can be ignored. I love the use of katanas here- along with its Japanese name; it sets your writing apart. You've used foreshadowing quite cleverly and have terrifically created an eerie, mysterious atmosphere. The story is extremely interesting. Most of all I love this: "His instincts screamed at him that there was something horribly wrong." Genius! Well done! =D
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