Anti-Twilight Speech

By Megan Judd

Q. Select an issue that you are passionate about and write a two-minute speech about it, complete with possible solutions for your chosen issue.

A. Fellow readers of good Literature, over the last few months, I have become deeply troubled by a new phenomenon. There is a disturbing trend emerging from the shadows and is now taking more than just the teen scene by storm. I must say that I am quite fearful of the long term consequences that such a phase will have on both younger and older generations of this country, maybe even this world. This plague on society can only be addressed by one name: The Twilight Saga

How many of us were intrigued by the glamour of danger, romance and sensitive men? But that was before this series became the backbone of pop culture, seemingly over-night. Now, this series has a much higher cost than just cheap thrills. It is a potent allure that draws in nearly every type of female, from the pubescent to the elderly. Edward’s sensitive demeanor and Jacob’s rock-hard abs have inspired a slew of violent thoughts to enter the heads of these readers, causing them to scheme a variety of ways to eliminate the fictional Bella Swan, so as to have the two ‘delicious’ specimens to themselves

Yet the danger of such a revolution is that it is causing all females to suddenly have ludicrously unrealistic expectations of men. Men do not sparkle. It is NOT natural. And the only place a woman is likely to find such a glittering male is at a drag show. Better yet, the majority of women need to accept the fact that the only time they will see their husbands glisten is when he glistens with sweat as he lugs his hairy potbelly up from the couch and to the kitchen for a refill of beer and chips.

A very small minority of men are actually as ‘ripped’ as the poor lads vying for Bella’s attention are. Women are now wasting away the prime of their lives waiting for an alabaster skinned man to whisk them away and inject vampire saliva into their bloodstream in order to love them for the rest of eternity. They figure that all Bella had to do was read classic novels till Prince Charming came knocking at her bedroom window, so why bother?

I’ll tell you why: because every man is riddled with imperfections, just like us women. What scares me though, is what these women will be like in, say, ten years from now. There will be a REVOLT! I fear for the male half of our species. Meyer’s enterprise has unleashed a new, unwanted revolution in women, who may go to desperate measures to in order to seek their one true love.

This insurrection must be thwarted. NOW! Before all of the undesirable men of the planet are massacred for not meeting the ‘Edward Standard’ It is now up to you, dear unperfected male species, to stop this anarchy, before it overtakes just the ‘teen scene’ media!

I have two suggestions:

1) Track down and mercilessly burn all 100 million (and counting) copies that are polluting the planet.

b) Seriously consider in investing in a large case of glitter from the craft store for your own protection.

The brainwashing allure of the Twilight men may already be irreversible. If I were an average male, I would quickly learn to adapt to these sparkling expectations or flee now, before the Twilight Revolution comes chasing after you.